Hipsters (You knew it was coming)

(The most disturbing part about this picture, is the guy on the right with the fucking Casio keypad watch.  Asshole of the Millennium.)

        Since the inception of what can be considered civilization, the majority populous of any culture have always had to deal with fringe social groups whose sole purpose is to just piss everyone else off.  The Romans had those damn monotheistic Christians.  The Dark Ages had to deal with witches (fucking witches dude, seriously).  And in the 1960's hippies seemed to rule the youth culture by spreading joy, love, and free thought.  Whereas these examples actually added meaning to the definition of humanity, modern American civilization is now in the throws of intense infestation of worthlessness.  And no, I am not talking about stink bugs. We are talking about, The Hipster.
         Don't know what a hipster is?  That is perfectly fine.  Neither do I.  But in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Potter "...I know it when I see it.".  First and foremost, don't panic.  There are tell tale signs of what constitutes a Hipster.  Usually followed by a miasma of clove cigarette smoke, the hipster spends majority of it's day listening to bands that you'll never heard of nor give a shit about, whilst gallivanting around on their fixed gear messenger bikes.  Glazed eyes are usually covered by glasses that you would find on the ground after a Spring Break party in 1985.  Their outward appearance is subject to change, but usually will always incorporate skinny jeans.  And I'm not entirely sure, and I would have to check, but I think each one is named Brandon.
         Now what constitutes this kind of response to hipsters?  It's not the the fact that I am tired of waiting in line behind a hipster at my favorite local coffee shop, while the attendant checks to see if the bagels are gluten free. Or maybe it's because of the trail of PBR cans that seems to follow them wherever they go?  Wrong.  It is based off the sole fact that they don't stand for anything.   The hippies existed because the culture at the time was lashing out at the restrictive social norms during the 60's.  In the 90's the goths were all the rage because they were trying to be different and express their dark inner demons.  Hipsters just like to look fashionable, by being unfashionable.  Hurts to think about it, I know.  Many hipsters will even deny that they are one, therefore creating this paradoxical black hole of irony.  Hipsters don't want to be grouped in to a label because, wait for it, it's not hip. 
         I am well aware this blog was invented for the wholesome fun of picking out everyday assholes, and then making them available to the masses.  But, I just couldn't bring myself to provide just a single example of a hipster.  There are just too many of them that individuality becomes diluted.  Perhaps it would be even safe to say we should devote a whole second blog to these curmudegons (even though someone already does.   Power to you buddy).  Unfortunately, there just aren't not enough hours in the day to spend making fun of these guys.  When it comes down to it, you just need to sit back and say "what an asshole(s)."
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        Garbage. Just what I wanted, an asshole friend that gets Simba tattooed to his chest so that when he decides to wear Brawny's flannel halfway buttoned the fucking thing can stare at me while we eat at this Thai restaruant that no one else knows about.  Who is this guy, Bruno's stunt double that was in a fire?  It really looks like he just stepped off the remake of Flashdance's set with those shorts.  You know all three of them landed in the middle of the street blocking traffic in a Para-plane with "Flubber" as the license plate.
       I'm extremely happy that you memorized all the Walt Whitman quotes from the Levi's commercial, I applaud you sir.  However no matter how many Indy foreign films or how many lectures you attend at someone elses college on the upcoming Baliwood influence, you'll always be an asshole choking on hot-house corn.  In attempting to differ yourself from the rest of mainstream society, you only find yourself in another stereotype.  Seriously, except this time you like like Al Boreland's Norwegian cousin that pasted Sylar's eyebrows on to pretend that he's interested in world affairs.  Rygar called, he wants his belt buckle back.

Joey: