Asshole Car of Decade

Newsflash: Nissan Altima is the Asshole Car of the Decade.
   
Santa Ana, CA

Garbage. Someone had to say it.  First of all, just look at it. It's like Jeff Goldbloom took a Skyline GTR into his transporter and ended up with diarrhea and a box of Frankenberry cereal on the other side - from which he pulls this car out of the box.

Living in the fertile crescent of assholes here in Orange County, the Nissan Altima has carved itself a niche in the automobile world as being that asshole driver weaving in and out of traffic with no sort of morality talking on his/her cellphone.  Seriously, I can understand why the bluetoother in his Porsche would be getting all sorts of seany and whipping in and out of traffic because he has stepped over enough people to reach a different tier of assholedness and has to be the first one on the highway to get home, but Altima drivers drive like Roscoe Jenkins is tailing them in hot pursuit - except when they jump the large dirt mound over the stream to get into a Ralph's parking spot before anyone else and the camera freezes, the narrator gets in the passenger seat, calls them an asshole and then slaps the shit out of them for being so horrible in the first place.

Where does all my anxiety and anger stem from?  Great question.  It starts with the fact that Nissan has made this model of the car for the last 5 to 6 years.  That puts some of the older models in the used car category which allows certain dangerous demographics and 17 year old cretins to purchase them w/o having proof of insurance.  If Mad Max was remade, which it most likely will be remade again like 92% of half of the garbage, you can bet Christian Bale would be driving an Altima with Fraggle Rock playing on the Cassette Tape and the little feral kid that had the bigass metal boomerang would be in the back in the carseat complaining that he can't eat Chik Fil-A because it's a Sunday.  Does this car only come in silver and black?  Why is this such a horrible car and why do people consistently drive like they're on inhalents behind the wheel of one of these cages?


Coming up next, in our study of horrible cars. The Mazda 3: Zoom Zoom in parenthesis - off a cliff