Azaleas

Joey: SO! Back to Chipotle yet again for another $4.99 rice lobotomy when I spotted this guy.  Brandon here was multitasking back and forth from his ipad to his ipod seamlessly.  It was as if he was reviewing the same bit of internet based content from one platform to the next crosschecking for errors.  It really was something to behold.  In fact he distracted me SO much that the lady behind me at the soup kitchen coughed a bit to move me along.  To which I replied with a homemade murder face in her general direction.  After further inspection it turns out that Chuck was watching a movie on Ipad whilst undergoing some sort of social networking on the other mobile device.  I could only venture a guess that he wasn't actually undergoing any kind of real conversation with any real person because his horribleness was too apparent to even be masked when connecting on a non-personal level. Anyway, I'm sure the status updates he was reviewing while choking down spoonfuls of mixed beans canned 20 years ago by a migrant worker who bought apple options early and now lives next to Mark Cuban whose azaleas he repeatedly urinates on during vodka benders to which many complaints have been filed with the local authorities.  I dunno, maybe it was the smudges of body oil all over his ipad screen, that cause me to be unable to see the horribleness undoubtably unfolding on it, or those on his glasses that convinced me this man was a next level asshole.  He didn't even have the volume up!  Unless you are straining to read subtitles through an inch of human waste on the screen, which i assure you would be impossible, there is no way to get any sort of pleasure from a muted video.  He didn't have the sound on or I would of caught a lil Crouching Tiger Hidden Asshole audio.  The only reasonable explanation is that he must have such debilitating social anxiety that he must keep his face focused on Baby's Day Out to even venture into public.  The ordering process must have been hilarious!  Alright, I'll give an update post after I've followed him home and realize it's Seany.  Where's the goddamn Advil!

BUX

Joey: As I sit here drinking my Venti (extra large) enema, I ponder what many have pondered, the enigma that is Starbucks.  I wonder how many migrant Honduran slaves it took to pick enough beans to keep their family warm and fill my coffee cup.  After visiting the local asshole carrying case, I come out a little more satisfied that I am better than 99% of all SB patrons.  Lets use the few people who were haunting this location as a target market study if you will.  So there are the actual employees... Not much is to be said of them as the only conversation I have ever had with one is in a made up language that some asshole up in Washington State dubs as "size order".  I feel sorry for them, cause they are just McDonald's workers with trendy haircuts and way too much body language.   Lets move on to the gentlemen who, I kid you not, were having a conversation about laxatives and indestructible wine glasses, you can't make this shit up! They are obviously using the free wifi to power their limitless conversation topics whilst simultaneously fact checking via wiki mobile, worst!  Now lets judge the individual on his laptop whom is obviously saving the Universe and making Steve Jobs richer with every download.  Yes, the song that plays on the latest Ipod commercial is available for download you unbelievable asshole! Hurry up and go to the bathroom so I can delete your system32 file and make my escape! One doesn't find many immigrants in Starbucks.  It must be the prices, only native born Americans can rationalize spending $5 for a hot cup of bean soup complete with ALL THE CREAMER  YOU WANT, haha! Imagine a group of 20 Mexican day laborers making a stop at SB on their way to the jobsite.  The manager of said branch would need to call in the National Guard to help with the communication breakdown that would occur during the size order step of your SB initiation. Next time you go into a SB wait in line to place your order afterwhich ask only for a water cup.  Fill that water cup with half-and-half, now sit and stare at the manager until they call the police whilst sipping on your tepid rotten FREE beverage.  There is justice in the world!