Jared

Joey:   what an asshole. anyone else?

Ryan:

Horrible.  Biggest asshole ever.  What was that, like 15 years ago?  This guy really just doesn't go away.  It's like me waking up, and deciding to only drink fucking V8 for 6 months.  Hey look Ma, I lost 80 lbs and now have anemia.  I'm sure all the bullshit sandwiches you ate full of horrible preservatives won't have some sort of long-term effects on you.  Wash it down with a nice diet soda full of phenylalanine mixed with a some nice processed meat topped with free-radical sauce = you're going to die 20 years earlier. Empirical evidence is a fucking bitch, and not all the onion sauce in the world can make you escape your fate of dying with face cancer.

The best part about this guy was that once all his commericials aired and he bought himself an Oscar Meyer weiner car, he got fucking fat again.  That's how much of an asshole he is.   So what do you do, get right back on your regimen of sandwiches just to reappear after 10 years skinny again. 

I bet he thought he was a fucking genious by eating sandwiches for a year.  I'm a big fan of not eating so fucking much and exercising.  That always worked for me.  Demographically what he did makes sense, but I won't open that can of worms.  Stop showing up on my television.  Can you imagine the tear soaked letter he sent to Subway about how much it changed his life.  I want to send a letter to Subway to tell the Mexicans that make my sandwich that no one is fucking next to me in line, there's no reason to rush me and get impatient when I don't know what bread I want.  What a horrible company, and an appropriate asshole mascot.  It's like me eating Kosher food for a year, you don't see me sending a letter to Maneschewitz do you?

The Murdertrains-a-comin!

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot

Too tired to even comment first, I leave this to my peers.

Joey: This digital image reminds me of a screen capture I took using VLC player of a nightmare I experienced after eating 2 pounds of expired corned beef purchased at a Kroger in Doylestown.  I imagine his Match.com account has him listed as an engineer, or some other profession that does not involve a conductor’s hat with red bandana.  Watching him shovel coal into a nonexistent engine that actually doubles as a storage container for janitorial supplies is always a laugh.  Wouldn’t it be fun to see his expression as he comes around corner 6 and sees me tied to the tracks? HAHA, he might even for a moment think that its gonna take a lot more than 200 feet to slow his engine to a stop “cause all that cow manure and live stock I’m carryin’ ain’t a light load!” Front page of the Phillips Times shows a derailed ¼ scale clown train with zero casualties and one borderline personality conductor who still believes he’s in "Viet Nam" as I, still tied to the tracks, soil myself with excitement. Alright, just got the call, my permit for a nightmare powered Rail Gun is ready to be picked up at the city. Who is fucking with my medicine!!

Every lap on that train drives him closer to his goal of becoming a god.  You see, Bill and the pumpkin patch have a long and strange past together.  It wasn't always this way for Bill, he once frolicked with the gods, spilling mead all over his laurels of fresh oregano.  It was when he started using that bedazzler that Zeus struck him down and sharted himself, creating the Orange County pumpkin patch.  Forced now to work slave labor of driving some bullshit train and making up rediculous lies about inanimate objects that they pass by, including the "Marco Polo" tree.  This was when I decided this guy was an asshole.  First of all, this tree was just a bigass old tree, but everyone on the train believed him when he said "it's called the Marco Polo tree because its been around that long."  Just because you used to live on mount Olympus doesn't mean you're a birds-eye view carbon-dater.  You'd have to cut the tree down to find out how old it is, Bill.  It's like him saying that John Henry himself ate enough Po-boys to be able to drive every rail into the very tracks we ride on before the steam engine ran him over - and he saw with his own eyes as the Havok rag-dog physics engine gracefully knocked his body in the air.  Garbage.  To further my postulate that he is an asshole, we drive by some stone wall, which obviously was made only about 30 years before, and I quote "this is all that remains from the old Orange County park".  Well Bill, I'm pretty sure they're a lot of trees, grass, ponds, and most likely land that would like to argue that one.  Gaea herself almost got out of the pedicure chair to slap you in your fupa for that one.  All the Backwoods handrolled cigars in the world can't refute the fact that you're a pumpin-patch driver.  Unfortunately all the Good-and-Plenties in the world can't stop the pumpkins from laughing at you and taunting you.  We'll just sit back and watch it all happen, gnoshing on some bugles that were sold at the bullshit store, along with some apple cider.  Why the fuck does everyone want to drink apple cider at a pumpkin patch.