Direct-zolfuckall RNA

Dingo: Ahh yes, a submission from a lovely blog viewer.  Before I begin to dissect this loverly piece of advert, let me offer you praise on the HD quality image. This .jpg  makes me seethe with testosterone fueled anticipation that I might one day place my stamen anywhere around those porcelain veneers.

"High quality RNA from Tri-Reagent or similar acid-guanidinium-phenol reagents" Fuck, and I thought I was about to get a blowjob from a reasonably attractive Puerto Rican!? Lets take a step back and think about the ad wizards that decided to go with this concept. I will bet that there was one Harvard MBA that suggested they simply provide a list on benefits from Direct-zolfuckall RNA.  He was promptly fired and made to work at a customer service hotline for reasonably priced prosthetics which eventually led to him severing his own leg due to his preexisting condition of self mutilation that he had fought for years, but the direct contact with amputees pushed his psychosis over the edge into Hunter S. Thompson territory!

"There is only one way to sell this product" says Mitchell Davidson (Mitch to nobody) an overweight 45 year old executive father of no one, husband of none, hailing from Lincoln Nebraska with a quite sizable SNES cartridge collection. "Give em the cum mouth!" While not exactly being Don Draper, Mitch tends to opt for the "cum mouth" approach on many of his ad campaigns.  The only real reason that Mitch is even employed is due to the impending sexual harassment lawsuit that Mitch has been threatening for years after Penny Lawson CFO walked in on him wiping his ass after he failed to lock the porta john door on the company retreat 3 years ago to Mt. Rushmore. "Get it direct" Mitch screams over his coffee cup, obviously filled with rye, as he bangs his forehead against the conference room table.  Luckily the Japanese investors take this as a sign of autistic genius and decide to go with the campaign. Unbenounced to the members of the meeting, Mitch was actually talking to a schizophrenia induced voice of a shipping clerk, who does not exist, asking Mitch how he wants the new granite in his kitchen purchased. "No middle man" he mumbles, but too low to be audible over the screams of praise from Zymo Research as they had finally found a tagline for their new product.  Worst, Ever!

Cahs fro Glod

Cash for Gold, Cahs fro Glod, Ehfd ed Fdsc, you see what I did there?  Now listen, underpaid, disease ridden, GED having youth.  I want you to go find a job, any job.  Your grandparents did it,  your stepfather did it, even Ryan Phillips did it!  Go out into the wild and kill it and bring it home. Drag it back home for you to gut, clean and consume! Vanquish your enemies, rape their women and sell their children into slavery. Take your best friend's arm and break it!  And after you have broken it show it to him. Show him the power you have over his life and the lives of others! Show him how easily his hopes and dreams have been destroyed!...  Oh wait, you found a job?  So what are you doing? They make you wear what now?!

#OccupyCashForGold, worst.  Have we honestly come to the point where this makes sense? I have a great idea, lets take our gold along with all of our personal possessions to Middle-Earth and dump them into Mt. Doom.  In fact there may be a feeling of relief after ridding yourself of all those Gameboy Pockets you've been carrying with you since childhood. I would like to imagine that the gold suits provided are covered in real gold and that heavy metal poisoning is only moments away, worst.  Look, paying two men one step away from poverty to stand and be ridiculed my passersby as they wave goodbye to their future like a clown waiting for the big top to be set up only to realize that his wife and entire family have abandoned him because he chose the clown career instead of supporting his loving wife of 10 years, Barbara, is hilarious but ineffective.  

Question: Has one of these sign spinning, handstanding, meth smoking, people they pay to stand on the corner and wave, dance, listen to an iPod, ever attracted you to go the establishment advertised? Well has it!? No, of course it hasn't! Also, do you think that there has ever been an impromptu gold sale, ever?  A person who drives by and notices these individuals would never decide to just drop in for some quick cash from the gold on hand! Gold on hand, what is this Skyrim? "I only have my anniversary tennis bracelet to liquidate!? I guess its going to have to go!" Worst Ever!

WIFI Brandon

Ah yes, another morning of unlimited coffee enemas and toilet Angry Birds. Let me just select the cute little icon on the second page of my iPhone home screen... BOOM! "Select a Wireless Network" It is far TOO early for someone to tell me to "GOFUCKYOURSELF". This little gem would pop up every morning during said toilet adventure. Now I know that some of you will tell me to turn off the WIFI to my phone, but I'm not going to do that. In the beginning, I must say that I was enamored with the thought that someone would take the time to rename their WIFI network with such a lovely slogan of good will towards men. After many months of viewing said network I began to grow bitter and realized what a huge asshole this individual must be! We have all gone through the process of setting up a WIFI network I assume, making this caps driven name assignment ludicrous. Ok, I will give the subject in question a little relief if the setup wizard on this particular device was possibly very annoying and filled with flash animation. Let me take you through the potential steps that our neighbor here may have gone through when choosing to give his wireless network such a crass handle.

1. "Oh, my wireless router came in the mail. Let me abstain from hardwired Internet pornography, for something a little more adventurous, say from the couch?"

2. "Oh how cute, there is a wizard on the front of the box stating that he is the setup wizard and that he will be my guide on the adventure that is WIFI setup."

3. "So, there is no option not to use the wizard? He is full of flash animation which causes my Sony Vaio laptop circa 1999 with 250mb of Ram to become severely bogged down.

4. "Ok, fuck, now the wizard is asking me personal questions? “Do I believe in God?" What the fuck is this?"

Setup Wizard: "Your path has been a righteous one, on this being the first metonic cycle in your lifetime would you please provide me with a well thought out and appropriate name for your recently installed WIFI device?"

5. "GOFUCKYOURSELF" and close scene...

There is also the option that WIFI Brandon over here, from the depths of his Marlboro Red cocoon, has simply chosen the name based on his philosophical opinion of mankind. Oh, how I long to read the manuscript titled "Seething" that he has been working on for 15 years now. “They don’t understand my voice” he can sometimes be heard screaming into his body pillow. Look asshole, anyone can by a t-shirt with “I write the words” screen printed on the front.  “If I had only lost my kissing virginity in high school before the obesity set in.” Who are you kidding Brandon, you have always been obese. What an asshole!