WIFI Brandon

Ah yes, another morning of unlimited coffee enemas and toilet Angry Birds. Let me just select the cute little icon on the second page of my iPhone home screen... BOOM! "Select a Wireless Network" It is far TOO early for someone to tell me to "GOFUCKYOURSELF". This little gem would pop up every morning during said toilet adventure. Now I know that some of you will tell me to turn off the WIFI to my phone, but I'm not going to do that. In the beginning, I must say that I was enamored with the thought that someone would take the time to rename their WIFI network with such a lovely slogan of good will towards men. After many months of viewing said network I began to grow bitter and realized what a huge asshole this individual must be! We have all gone through the process of setting up a WIFI network I assume, making this caps driven name assignment ludicrous. Ok, I will give the subject in question a little relief if the setup wizard on this particular device was possibly very annoying and filled with flash animation. Let me take you through the potential steps that our neighbor here may have gone through when choosing to give his wireless network such a crass handle.

1. "Oh, my wireless router came in the mail. Let me abstain from hardwired Internet pornography, for something a little more adventurous, say from the couch?"

2. "Oh how cute, there is a wizard on the front of the box stating that he is the setup wizard and that he will be my guide on the adventure that is WIFI setup."

3. "So, there is no option not to use the wizard? He is full of flash animation which causes my Sony Vaio laptop circa 1999 with 250mb of Ram to become severely bogged down.

4. "Ok, fuck, now the wizard is asking me personal questions? “Do I believe in God?" What the fuck is this?"

Setup Wizard: "Your path has been a righteous one, on this being the first metonic cycle in your lifetime would you please provide me with a well thought out and appropriate name for your recently installed WIFI device?"

5. "GOFUCKYOURSELF" and close scene...

There is also the option that WIFI Brandon over here, from the depths of his Marlboro Red cocoon, has simply chosen the name based on his philosophical opinion of mankind. Oh, how I long to read the manuscript titled "Seething" that he has been working on for 15 years now. “They don’t understand my voice” he can sometimes be heard screaming into his body pillow. Look asshole, anyone can by a t-shirt with “I write the words” screen printed on the front.  “If I had only lost my kissing virginity in high school before the obesity set in.” Who are you kidding Brandon, you have always been obese. What an asshole!