Granola

Joey (protip:)Granola.  Does this not sound like a venereal disease? “Oh lord, my granola sores have gotten considerably worse in the past 24 hours.” Lemme ask you, have you ever tried to eat a granola bar without making the largest mess humanly possible with a food product of such size?  I guarantee that 25% of this garbage Natures Valley tree bark is gonna end up on my tshirt or around my general vicinity.  Lets be honest, the recent events in the Gulf don’t even compare to the disaster your carpet will face whilst a 5 inch granola enema is being consumed above it. Do me a solid, wiki granola.  Now close the page and choke yourself for wiking granola.

Rybo: Whenever I see this unmistakable emblem of fiber, I think of a dry mouth and a spikey shit coming out of my sheriff's badge.  Better strap on your Patagonia backpack and throw a bunch of these in there before you go on your bullshit hike up some mountain.  Forget about the supply of water, you have some of these badboys in your pouch.  You'll feel like Paul Bunyan in seconds.
      Sponsored by the PGA no less.  I can picture Veejay pinching off one of these and shattering some serious porcelain.  Too bad the vegans dont endorse these, i heard that they don't give the bees a reach around so they are boycotting.  Crying shame.  I just don't like how theres 2 of these per package.  As if pulling just one of these out of the package doesn't get enough fucking crumbs all over wherever you are sitting and all over your clothes.

Chipotle

Joey: Chipotle is for assholes. Whenever I prepare to enter my local Chipotle black hole I always come out with a little less respect for my species.  EXAMPLE!? The overweight mother of 20 in front of me this afternoon in a line that stretched back 400 meters decides to place an order for 4 people…  “Four bowls please.  And be sure to add your most rancid of meats.”  As I make an audible choking sound from directly behind her. “Black or Pinto beans?” The Hispanic teenager asks.  TO WHICH SHE FUCKING HAS TO CONSULT HER HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND ON THE MOBILE DEVICE! Don’t worry, it’s not over yet.  She then decides that one of the bowls will not work out, so better make it a burrito.  You see, when you make the decision to have a bowl the logistics of turning that bowl into a burrito doesn’t exactly work out.  Far more ingredients are used in the creation of the bowl, so transforming from bowl to burrito requires that a small portion of said bowl must be left out.  Fucking Crystal over here didn’t much care for her burrito being robbed of ¼ cup of rice and decides to start opening her mouth and asking questions that the 19 year old Hispanic lady (who has only been versed in a small amount English that can get her through the one step question process of Black or Pinto Beans) obviously doesn’t understand.  When you throw a wrench in the gears of finely oiled assembly line of illegal burrito/bowl builders all hell breaks loose.  I shit you not, as soon as the blank stares started being directly my way I could only think one thing: death from above.  I expected Odin’s hammer itself to descend from heavens and remedy this line of the cancer that had so rudely implanted herself there.  Fast forward through the payment process, which I assumed was more than likely painful, to the parking lot.  If you don’t know me, I have a real problem with people who take to time to back into a parking spot.  Bugs the hell out of me.  Look, you are not saving anytime by backing in.  All you are doing in proving to me that you a person who deserves to be keyed.  As I walked out to the FJ I noticed that everyone’s favorite person was loading up her pallet of bowls/burritos into a PONTIAC AZTEC that had been BACKED IN…  I sat in my car and watched her, whilst drinking a most delicious sugar filled pomegranate beverage, as she placed her 4 drink carrier on the roof of her car as she opened the driver’s side door.  She then did the unthinkable and drove off with carrier on top of car.  First stop sign, drinks made a nice little waterfall down the side of the monstrosity(Aztec).  There is justice in the world!  Ok, lemme finish this dog meat burrito and go back to dismembering Seany’s body. What an asshole!

Ryan:  Horrible.  Don't get me wrong, Chipotle is delicious.  By design it leaves little variation or room for custom orders.  Pick your food medium - burrito, salad, or tacos.  Then pick your meat.  Then choose some of the other fixin's that some corporate asshole thought would be mexican enough as he smokes a cigar in his Irvine penthouse suite like Hannibal on the A-Team.  First of all, write a list before you go to a restaurant, who the fuck orders with the people on the phone.  Choke yourself.  Secondly, there's no going back after you have picked your host for your meats.  Its like a sex change, it just can't be reversed and look pretty.  The best part is that you have to look so busy between your lunch hour, don't worry, you'll get back to Farmville and build the house of your dreams on a fucking website.  Idiot.  Thirdly, I applaud your choice in fine automobiles.  If Cervantes from Soul Caliber were to drive a car, it'd be a fucking Aztec.

Second paragraph, yeah.  The workers at Chipotle think in Binary Code.  If you start throwing curve balls they are going to go Santaria on your ass.  You'll have like a dead chicken on your doorstep with a Charles in Charge DVD set between its talons, serious shit.  They don't care who you are, they litterally slap the food into its vehicle and pass it down, immediately looking at the next paleface in line.  They're only there to save enough money for another Astrovan that has the paint chipping off the top so that they can further drive the insurance rates up.  Don't think you're special, get your food and get out. The worst part about this picture is that this lady had a whole 10 minutes before she had to start flapping her wax lips about her burriteh'.  Next time ask for a happy meal. You know what's you'll get right? You'll get a typical serving for any small Mexican child, a fullsize fucking burrito and a slap across the face because they like you.