Gandalf the Gay

 

Sean:  For a thousands years this legendary warlock has been gracing Renaissance Festivals, and Lord of The Rings Conventions with his powerful white magic spells.  Before his transformation into this incomparable powerhouse of wizardry, he was known as "Herman the shitter cleaner".  Tired of the everlasting stench that was created by his craft, Herman traversed the desolate land known as North Jersey searching for a reason for his existence.  Plagued by thoughts of honor and battle, Herman became the apprentice for the greatest Wizard in history.  His name was Bubbles, and he lived under the boardwalk in Wildwood.  After his tutelage, he cast away his former moniker of Herman, and was from then on known as Morty the Flatulent.   After obtaining the title of "Grand Creeper", he chose to use his powers for good.  He can now be found anywhere that sells D&D garbage, pontificating to the grease balls that reside there about his unstoppable Orc Paladin that does 20 shadow damage each attack. As the sun sets on the 3rd Age, we have now begun the Age of Asshole.

Joey: This guy invokes the same emotion as finding Solomon’s hidden diamonds only to realize they are guarded by combat-shotgun wielding genetically modified albino apes.  I have so much disgust for the particular asshole that I had to clean my shorts out at the local Swashbuckler.  Obviously this man is overweight; probably stemming from years of self loathing that eventually manifested itself as a wizard cosplay character.  I imagine him preparing for his adventure into public by shaving his entire body while watching Lord of the Rings in Spanish with Korean subtitles. What’s that dragon bullshit on his shoulder?  It doesn’t even look realistic!  What is that supposed to be, some sort of a fun and games childhood plush character!? Oh, must be the badge of the dark wizard as he spews seamless-mind garbage D & D quests acting as dungeon master of his own insanity. It looks like he has added some beads to his staff, obviously to make it look more authentic, what an asshole. What does he plan on casting some sort of necromancer spell on the corpses buried under his crawl space?  Once reanimated do you really think they are going to be your friend, fat chance! Have you ever seen a train wreck filmed on standard definition VHS in slow motion?  You have? Good! Now rewind that tape to the beginning, eject it, now take it and bury it at the deepest darkest depths of the ocean.  Now that the tape is there, strap yourself with explosives and frame a four story house.  Now that the house is complete, invite Gandalf over and beat him to death with a claw hammer. What an Asshole!