Danny Glover

Watching this man practice martial arts outside my patio door brought me through a number of emotions.  I could only compare it to the emotional roller coaster that Peter Weller must have experienced when viewing the screening of his 1989 underwater garbage fest, Leviathan.  Your initial response is to be entertained by the world of opportunities this opens up for anecdotes and other general bullshiting items.  Then you reach your plateau of excitement/entertainment by realizing how fucked up the entire situation is.  This asshole is shamelessly practicing martial arts in the park across the street from my apartment and I am here to view the entire dry-heave, unedited.  This for me would usually be an epic event, one that I would probably phone home about, literally.  Instead of being aflutter with thoughts of mockery I felt an unusual emotion, shame.  Because this gentleman was unable to express the emotion I became his carrier. Like some sort of mutated asshole virus that when viewed under an electron microscope at 5,000,000 times magnification a tribal band encircling a very detailed tattoo of Carl Winslow becomes visible.  Brandon Lee down there, with his ancient Shaolin mind trick ruined my day.  I was so disgusted by his display that I didn’t even tell anyone besides the Missus.  I am here now to let it all out and express my emotions in a proper medium, assholeforum…

Look at this guy!  Can you believe this guy?!  Have you ever seen a more unbridled display of assholedom in your entire existence?  Look, I realize that you missed the casting calls for Chuck Norris’ Firewalker, but it’s time to get the dime-sized piece of homemade pipe bomb shrapnel removed from your frontal lode. The question is where was he practicing before the park was built?  My thoughts direct me to the roof.  Where at least he may fall off, lulz.  Look, I realize martial arts are an age old pursuit of well-being and physical fitness or some other mystic bullshit, but there is a time and a place for everything.  You don’t see me worshiping pagan gods and sacrificing small mammals in the park, do you?  NO, I save that for the living and bedroom! He seems to have brought his tub of supplements as sort of fucked up inanimate audience, too.  “After this kick Morris (supplements) I’ll take two scoops of you then defecate until my eyes bleed.”  What is that, some sort of cane sword, worst!?  Who does he think he is the rastafari witch doctor from Predator 2? If Danny Glover was here, I’m sure he could pick out at least 3 good adjectives for this maniac.  Imagine his surprise when I show up in a one-piece wrestling leotard and put him in a fireman’s carry!  Oh wait, you weren’t wearing a cup and I crushed your genitals?  Trust me I’ve done the world a favor. What an Asshole!

My 2cents:

Small mammals are good for the hands.  This guy needs to get back on the set of Billy Blanks' Taibo doubletime.  He's the type of asshole who runs for the nearest smoothie bar after working out like a fun-hole in the sun, shows up all panting asking the indifferent teen girl to throw 2 scoops of his whey powder in his Power Infusion Bullshit that already contains 40grams of Breast Inducing joy.  The female 40 yr old overweight Saturn driver behind him rolls her eyes.  He was working out.

Why can't he just go to a gym and be that guy on the side on the stretch mats doing homo-erotic stretches and sweating profusely.  He better call April O'Neill, because Donatello needs to solve that difficult math equation with his abacus as the computer has gone on the fritz.  Thank God Splinter show'd him how to use it.  But seriously, wheres the hoop that the stick should be pushing down the lane.  Garbage.