Joey Pellegrino

Dingo: Hang on a second... Let me take a large final swig of this Maker's I've got right here.  Ahhh, that was delicious! The bite of being an adult, thats what Maker's tastes like to me.  The realization that there are no more summer breaks and that people will always disappoint you, so delicious!

Let's move on shall we.  Move on to the subject at hand.  Move on to the real reason we are here. Move on to discussing assholes who drink Pellegrino.  Sigh, even typing the product's name rages me.   If hell had a beverage of choice it would be pellegrino (not going to capitalize it anymore).  I want to pull my attention away from the product itself, because there is a possibility that you may enjoey a nice warm glass of this shit, who am i to judge? No wait, I am here to judge!  Some people like being shit on and tied to a tree and left for a week, so anything is possible.

This photo was sent in by "conepile", who shall remain anon...FOR NOW!

Lets take a step back and have a look at the situation we have before us.  Lets examine the workstation of Brandon, here.  Looks to be a company appointed ThinkPad, fine.  Notebook, why? Pencil, really?! Blackberry on the table, worst.  pellegrino, now you're an asshole! What is that a fucking liter?! Someone should of taken it, poured it into Brandon's fedora and refilled the bottle with hate exuded from the pours of Inzo, a middle aged Italian man, bred of strong stock, but susceptible to pleasures of the flesh and that of the opiate nature who sold his shares of pellegrino only days before American assholes realized how cool the bottle looks crammed against a macbook, ipod, iphone, and mens eyeliner in a purse suited for a gentleman. Now does Brandon here carry that bottle around with him all day?  Does he realize that the nature of carbonation is not that of hydration, but quite the opposite?! Does he realize that the blonde next to him loathes him for more reasons than the pellegrino but rather that she had a secret lust for brandon, which lead to obsession which caused her to touch the void between reality and the unconscious somewhere among heaven, hell, and the Tron grid?! Of course he doesn't realize any of these things!  He skates a line that only consists of a number of variables: Whole Foods (which I will touch on in a later post), iTunes, Income, and Shelter and a compost pile that he has been meaning to contribute to for weeks, but "this lousy weather has prevented me from getting into the backyard for weeks now" (I hate you).

The simple motion of unsheathing a bottle of pellegrino is an act of intellectual war!  By showing everyone at the table that you are sophisticated enough to drink this garbage already has people hating you. As for the individuals who are unaware of this product, their response would of course be confusion, confusion leads to fear, fear then results in hatred. It's the goddamn nature of the beast, people! If you want to be successful, leave your Smart Waters, Muscle Milks,  and Chai Tea Lattes at home and bring a fucking Dixie Cup and full that bitch with tap water!  People will think you are a goddamn madman and follow you to the ends of the earth! BEST!...wait, i mean worst!