Skymall (SM) and a Descent reference... I'm lacking for content!

Skymall is for assholes.  If hell had a library, it would contain every issue of Skymall ever published.  I took this picture whilst drunk on an American Airlines flight to Zion.  Skymall is like a last resort for the brain-starved masses.  Once the PSP/Laptop/iPod dies your next highest brian activity is Skymall...or highjacking.  While hijacking is a viable alternative to Skymall, you may regret your decision to let the 345lb TSA agent/man-child ,whom smelt like last nights bowel movement, confiscate your nail clipper now that the ex Navy Seal Air Marshall is seeing red cause you have fingered yourself as a potential bogey...  I would compare stooping to the SM  (gonna abbreviate from now on) to eating human flesh, its like your last goddamn option.  LOL, its like intellectual cannibalism! I'm a goddamn genius! I personally watched the fall of a fellow passenger to SM.  Let me verbalize the descent: (remember the PC game Descent, WTF was that?)

1) Oh, getting bored with the garbage book you picked up at the Jerry Jones themed store back at DFW aren't we!  Can't always count on them covers for being reliable references, now can we!?

2) Trying to close your eyes now are we?  Oh wait, the recycled air has made your eyes painfully dry and closing them adds to the problem? FUCK, the drink cart just almost took your arm off!

3) Oh well, lemme thumb through this marsupial pouch in front of me searching for baby Joeys... SM!? Well, lemme have a look! DONE!

This simple 3 step process happens everyday.  Avoid it, or you may end up with a toaster that cooks hotdogs whilst mowing the lawn and composting the clippings while powering your house and recycling your 200 count aluminum can collection while seamlessly controlling locale and national weather patterns.  Who drank all my Scotch?!


Ryan:

Brobdingnagian...

another mall post about malls and mall related garbage

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

 

You know what I like about the Laguna Hills mall?  Whenever I miss the pungent whafts of Cinnabons or lowered expectations (typical characteristics of a New Jersey mall), I just take a quick drive over to to this mall to instantly transport me back to the East Coast.  Conveniently located next to "Seizure World" a 2 square mile housing area for octagenarian white elderly folks, this mall is usually full of bluehairs, and our ever-prevalent friends from south o' the border.

Now we weren't going in here for anything special.  I didn't need a rip off Ed Hardy shirt (God knows how much I love tigers), nor did I need to purchase any moo-moos at Pennies.  I was content with sipping my Ice blended green tea from The Coffee Bean like an asshole, however, I couldn't resist this morsel.  Now this isn't any normal kiosk.  We don't have the Armenian girl looking to make your nails super soft, we don't have a Persian lady looking to curl your hair.  We don't even have one of those wave massage machines that you get inside of and risk life and limb to be look like bubble boy for 5 minutes.  We have this.  Imagine my utter joy and horror as I peered at the sapphire blue rays of Zeus pointed into this broad's pie hole.  If you zoom in, you will notice that their entire mouth is exposed using the device, something that you'd only see in Lawnmower Man.  So I'm sipping my refreshing macha bullshit, just dumbstruck by this shitstorm happening in front of me.  My wife turns to me with a glare, immediately stating "DON'T take a picture of them." Too late.

Why on God's green earth would you go to the mall and decide, oh let me go sit in this chair and have some obese woman shoot Tidy-Bowl lasers into my mouth for 30 minutes.   Cyclops called, he wants his glasses back.  He can't play Vector Man until you give them back.  You must really want some pearly whites f you're willing to trade em' off for a lifetime of synesthesia.  Such garbage.   I couldn't imagine any more of a personal hell than being the lady that works at this joint, looking into the eyes of the sun all afternoon.  I bet she drives a 1991 Teal Honda Civic.  Ok I'm just getting angry thinking about this.  Piano cat, play them off.

Cold Stone

Joey:  So I decided to use a picture from Cold Stone Japan just because I'm an asshole.  Friday night I decided after a long day of eating to add another few thousand calories before bedtime by having a "Gotta Have It" size portion of "Birthday Cake Explosion".  (Actually, the menu item is really called "Birthday Cake Remix", but when ordering I choose to state the former, just to remind the hormone fueled teen behind the counter who's boss.) I know whenever I decide to enter a Cold Stone Creamery that I will get an eye and ear full of shelf hatred.  Patrons of these establishments are either one or two types of people.  One, enjoeying a hate-dessert after a long day of carrot eating and water drinking. Two, frequenters who are obese and try to mask it with sorbet.  This brings us full circle back to the point of this blog post.  The whale of a women in front of me at my local Cold Stone proceeds to ask for not one sample spoon, but 6.  I counted.  All different flavors and all off her diabetes handbook list foods that will not kill you.  She started with the peanut butter and ended with VANILLA.  I know what its going to taste like lady, VANILLA!?  After all this, all this work, all these little spoons that will end up on a beach somewhere, she chooses the sorbet.... Cause remember, she's on a diet.  Look lady, if your diet was a religion you would of been excommunicated a long time ago!  She finishes her transaction and now its time for me to order the explosion.  Before I'm able to get "Birthday" out she jumps in front of me, takes the attention away from the teen, and asks for a cup of water.  "No, no, not bottled, tap please." Cause you know she is not wanting to pay for it.  I stand, disgusted, when she turns around to give what I thought was going to be an apology.  "I love their sorbet!" Yea lady, you sure do....

  

Ryan: Diabetes never tasted so refreshing!  My favorite, ice cream that was already cold, placed onto a slab of pure botulism.  It's just cold enough so that the minute you step outside the establishment,  your hands have already melted the icecream as if you possessed the power to melt the wax shoes of Icarus himself.  I digress back to the "cold stone" gimmick of it.  When was the last time you saw them actually clean that.  They get some bullshit scraper from some guys workbelt standing outside of Home Depot and scrape all them trimmings onto the wayside, just enough so they can plop your favorite epicurean delight onto the cold stone to diddle with it to create their garbage signature delight. 

Worst add campagn - Like it, love it, Gotta Have it.  By gotta have it, you mean hypoglycemia.  I wish I could have been at that marketing meeting where they all are sitting eating ice cream and some asshole clown busts in the room on a unicycle for the powerpoint presentation for that campaign.  Gotta have it -  just what fat people needed, another marketing gimmick to hide the fact that you are ordering 1900 KCals for some runny icecream with gummi bears and celery in it.  Oop, better order a diet coke with that!  Secondly, where do they get off using the word "refreshing". I just really don't enjoy them obese using that word. Lastly, why offer sorbet.  You're already committing yourself to sugar overload if you are going in there, why pussy out and go the sorbet route. Seriously, who created sorbet in the first place.  It's like the cilantro cubes in my freezer, it's there, but there's no f'n way i'm eating it.

Garbage.

Azaleas

Joey: SO! Back to Chipotle yet again for another $4.99 rice lobotomy when I spotted this guy.  Brandon here was multitasking back and forth from his ipad to his ipod seamlessly.  It was as if he was reviewing the same bit of internet based content from one platform to the next crosschecking for errors.  It really was something to behold.  In fact he distracted me SO much that the lady behind me at the soup kitchen coughed a bit to move me along.  To which I replied with a homemade murder face in her general direction.  After further inspection it turns out that Chuck was watching a movie on Ipad whilst undergoing some sort of social networking on the other mobile device.  I could only venture a guess that he wasn't actually undergoing any kind of real conversation with any real person because his horribleness was too apparent to even be masked when connecting on a non-personal level. Anyway, I'm sure the status updates he was reviewing while choking down spoonfuls of mixed beans canned 20 years ago by a migrant worker who bought apple options early and now lives next to Mark Cuban whose azaleas he repeatedly urinates on during vodka benders to which many complaints have been filed with the local authorities.  I dunno, maybe it was the smudges of body oil all over his ipad screen, that cause me to be unable to see the horribleness undoubtably unfolding on it, or those on his glasses that convinced me this man was a next level asshole.  He didn't even have the volume up!  Unless you are straining to read subtitles through an inch of human waste on the screen, which i assure you would be impossible, there is no way to get any sort of pleasure from a muted video.  He didn't have the sound on or I would of caught a lil Crouching Tiger Hidden Asshole audio.  The only reasonable explanation is that he must have such debilitating social anxiety that he must keep his face focused on Baby's Day Out to even venture into public.  The ordering process must have been hilarious!  Alright, I'll give an update post after I've followed him home and realize it's Seany.  Where's the goddamn Advil!

BUX

Joey: As I sit here drinking my Venti (extra large) enema, I ponder what many have pondered, the enigma that is Starbucks.  I wonder how many migrant Honduran slaves it took to pick enough beans to keep their family warm and fill my coffee cup.  After visiting the local asshole carrying case, I come out a little more satisfied that I am better than 99% of all SB patrons.  Lets use the few people who were haunting this location as a target market study if you will.  So there are the actual employees... Not much is to be said of them as the only conversation I have ever had with one is in a made up language that some asshole up in Washington State dubs as "size order".  I feel sorry for them, cause they are just McDonald's workers with trendy haircuts and way too much body language.   Lets move on to the gentlemen who, I kid you not, were having a conversation about laxatives and indestructible wine glasses, you can't make this shit up! They are obviously using the free wifi to power their limitless conversation topics whilst simultaneously fact checking via wiki mobile, worst!  Now lets judge the individual on his laptop whom is obviously saving the Universe and making Steve Jobs richer with every download.  Yes, the song that plays on the latest Ipod commercial is available for download you unbelievable asshole! Hurry up and go to the bathroom so I can delete your system32 file and make my escape! One doesn't find many immigrants in Starbucks.  It must be the prices, only native born Americans can rationalize spending $5 for a hot cup of bean soup complete with ALL THE CREAMER  YOU WANT, haha! Imagine a group of 20 Mexican day laborers making a stop at SB on their way to the jobsite.  The manager of said branch would need to call in the National Guard to help with the communication breakdown that would occur during the size order step of your SB initiation. Next time you go into a SB wait in line to place your order afterwhich ask only for a water cup.  Fill that water cup with half-and-half, now sit and stare at the manager until they call the police whilst sipping on your tepid rotten FREE beverage.  There is justice in the world!

Granola

Joey (protip:)Granola.  Does this not sound like a venereal disease? “Oh lord, my granola sores have gotten considerably worse in the past 24 hours.” Lemme ask you, have you ever tried to eat a granola bar without making the largest mess humanly possible with a food product of such size?  I guarantee that 25% of this garbage Natures Valley tree bark is gonna end up on my tshirt or around my general vicinity.  Lets be honest, the recent events in the Gulf don’t even compare to the disaster your carpet will face whilst a 5 inch granola enema is being consumed above it. Do me a solid, wiki granola.  Now close the page and choke yourself for wiking granola.

Rybo: Whenever I see this unmistakable emblem of fiber, I think of a dry mouth and a spikey shit coming out of my sheriff's badge.  Better strap on your Patagonia backpack and throw a bunch of these in there before you go on your bullshit hike up some mountain.  Forget about the supply of water, you have some of these badboys in your pouch.  You'll feel like Paul Bunyan in seconds.
      Sponsored by the PGA no less.  I can picture Veejay pinching off one of these and shattering some serious porcelain.  Too bad the vegans dont endorse these, i heard that they don't give the bees a reach around so they are boycotting.  Crying shame.  I just don't like how theres 2 of these per package.  As if pulling just one of these out of the package doesn't get enough fucking crumbs all over wherever you are sitting and all over your clothes.