Cold Stone

Joey:  So I decided to use a picture from Cold Stone Japan just because I'm an asshole.  Friday night I decided after a long day of eating to add another few thousand calories before bedtime by having a "Gotta Have It" size portion of "Birthday Cake Explosion".  (Actually, the menu item is really called "Birthday Cake Remix", but when ordering I choose to state the former, just to remind the hormone fueled teen behind the counter who's boss.) I know whenever I decide to enter a Cold Stone Creamery that I will get an eye and ear full of shelf hatred.  Patrons of these establishments are either one or two types of people.  One, enjoeying a hate-dessert after a long day of carrot eating and water drinking. Two, frequenters who are obese and try to mask it with sorbet.  This brings us full circle back to the point of this blog post.  The whale of a women in front of me at my local Cold Stone proceeds to ask for not one sample spoon, but 6.  I counted.  All different flavors and all off her diabetes handbook list foods that will not kill you.  She started with the peanut butter and ended with VANILLA.  I know what its going to taste like lady, VANILLA!?  After all this, all this work, all these little spoons that will end up on a beach somewhere, she chooses the sorbet.... Cause remember, she's on a diet.  Look lady, if your diet was a religion you would of been excommunicated a long time ago!  She finishes her transaction and now its time for me to order the explosion.  Before I'm able to get "Birthday" out she jumps in front of me, takes the attention away from the teen, and asks for a cup of water.  "No, no, not bottled, tap please." Cause you know she is not wanting to pay for it.  I stand, disgusted, when she turns around to give what I thought was going to be an apology.  "I love their sorbet!" Yea lady, you sure do....

  

Ryan: Diabetes never tasted so refreshing!  My favorite, ice cream that was already cold, placed onto a slab of pure botulism.  It's just cold enough so that the minute you step outside the establishment,  your hands have already melted the icecream as if you possessed the power to melt the wax shoes of Icarus himself.  I digress back to the "cold stone" gimmick of it.  When was the last time you saw them actually clean that.  They get some bullshit scraper from some guys workbelt standing outside of Home Depot and scrape all them trimmings onto the wayside, just enough so they can plop your favorite epicurean delight onto the cold stone to diddle with it to create their garbage signature delight. 

Worst add campagn - Like it, love it, Gotta Have it.  By gotta have it, you mean hypoglycemia.  I wish I could have been at that marketing meeting where they all are sitting eating ice cream and some asshole clown busts in the room on a unicycle for the powerpoint presentation for that campaign.  Gotta have it -  just what fat people needed, another marketing gimmick to hide the fact that you are ordering 1900 KCals for some runny icecream with gummi bears and celery in it.  Oop, better order a diet coke with that!  Secondly, where do they get off using the word "refreshing". I just really don't enjoy them obese using that word. Lastly, why offer sorbet.  You're already committing yourself to sugar overload if you are going in there, why pussy out and go the sorbet route. Seriously, who created sorbet in the first place.  It's like the cilantro cubes in my freezer, it's there, but there's no f'n way i'm eating it.

Garbage.